


Tie Me to the Bedpost

by lls_mutant



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-02
Updated: 2010-05-02
Packaged: 2017-10-09 06:32:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/84086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lls_mutant/pseuds/lls_mutant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's all fun and games, until someone loses the key.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tie Me to the Bedpost

"Oh, frak."

Felix tugged at the handcuffs. "Frak? No, you don't say frak. Not right now."

"I do when I… I could have sworn the lock on these was broken."

"Louis, tell me you're joking. Right now."

"I'm not! I swear, Felix, I thought they were-"

"Well, what the frak are you going to do about it?"

"Calm down," Louis sighed. "I'll get them off." He leaned over, studying the mechanism. "Come on. You have to admit it was worth it."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do, if you want me to figure this out. You're the one still cuffed to the rack."

Felix growled and twisted his legs to pin Louis. Wrestling without hands had its challenges, but before long Louis was pinned between his legs and the wall. "I don't have to admit it," Felix said with a grin.

"Fine, fine. Let me up- something's digging into me."

He shifted, but as he did he heard something snap, and a shaft of pain shot up his leg and he bit down on an exclamation of pain. Louis's eyes widened. "Are you okay?"

"I think so," Felix said. "I…" he tried to move, but his leg was still not cooperating. "I think it's my knee," he said. "Frak, that hurts."

"Here, just a minute, I'll help." Louis tried to shift, and then stopped immediately, a look of consternation spreading over his face.

"What?" Felix demanded.

"I'm caught on something."

"Well, uncatch yourself." Felix glared at him. "What are you still doing wearing your tags, anyway?"

Louis reached behind him, trying to find the offending protrusion. "Didn't bother you earlier. I- wait, I think I've got it." He pulled on the ball chain, and then had to stop as the tags pulled tight against his neck. "Shit. Wrong way. Give me just a minute…"

"Hurry up. My knee is killing me."

"I've almost got it."

"Don't strangle yourself!"

"Frak! I can't get this! Can you help me?"

"With my hands cuffed to the bed? I don't think so!"

They looked at each other, and then at the same time they realized what had to be done.

"Oh, shit."

***

The hatch swung open. "Thank Gods," Felix muttered. "I really have to.... Who's there?" he called out.

"It's me," Dee answered.

They exchanged glances of relief. Of all the people to walk in on them, Dee was the best possible choice. "Dee?" Felix pleaded. "We need some help."

"I told you guys, no threesomes," Dee laughed. She pulled back the privacy curtain, and they both blinked at the sudden influx of light.

And then Dee burst into laughter.

"It's _not_ funny," Louis said in his most dignified voice.

"Yes, it is," Dee giggled. "You have no idea how funny this is. Seelix, come here. You've got to see this."

"What?!" Louis yelped. "You didn't say you weren't alone!"

"You didn't ask," Dee said gleefully. Seelix took one look into the rack and burst into peals of hysterical laughter.

"Oh my Gods," she gasped, wiping away a tear. "This is so wrong."

"I'm not sure if I should be offended or not," Louis muttered, tugging at the tightly entangled dog tags.

"Offended or not offended, I don't care. My arms are falling asleep. Dee, _do something._"

Dee bit down on her giggles and applied herself to the cuffs seriously. "Do you have a key?"

Louis looked sheepish. "No."

"No?" Felix demanded. "You don't have a key?"

"Well," Louis explained, "that's why the lock is broken."

"Wait, wait, wait," Seelix gasped, taking in Louis. "You've used these before?"

"Erm…."

"On _who_?"

"Do we have to have this conversation right now?" Louis asked, shifting uncomfortably. His motion put pressure against Felix's knee and he gasped in pain. "Dee?"

"I don't know what you expect me to do without the key."

"We could get Tigh," Seelix suggested gleefully. "He has a skeleton key."

"No!" Both Felix and Louis shot that idea down immediately.

Dee snapped her fingers. "So does Chief Tyrol. I'll go get him."

"You could just get the key," Felix suggested.

"We may need his expertise," Dee said, her eyes wide and innocent. "Sit tight. Don't go anywhere." She and Seelix left the room, still convulsed in a bout of giggles.

Louis sighed. "I really hate that girl."

For once, Felix agreed.

***

"Well," Tyrol said, studying the handcuffs and miserably failing as he tried not to laugh, "I've got a skeleton key, but it doesn't exactly handle locks that are this small. But you…" he reached over Felix and slid two fingers under Louis's ball chain, and with a swift pull snapped it. Louis sighed in relief and rubbed his neck, and then carefully extradited himself from where he was tangled under Felix's legs. He adjusted Felix's lower body, and the pain in his knee eased significantly.

"Thanks," Louis said, sliding out of the bed to the floor with a thump. He started picking up discarded clothing, sorting it and pulling his pants on. Felix watched enviously.

"You know," he said, "I really wouldn't mind covering up."

Everyone ignored him, intent on the handcuffs.

"Doesn't Hot Dog have a way with picking locks?" Seelix asked.

"Could try that," Tyrol agreed, nodding sagely. He turned to Seelix. "Want to go get him?"

"A blanket, maybe?" Felix asked. "Or a pair of pants?"

"I'll be right back," Seelix said, grinning as she slipped out the door.

Tyrol studied Felix's hands again, playing with the cuffs. "Your hands are small enough that you can almost slip out of these without opening them," he observed. "You guys got some more lube?"

"Are you kidding?" Louis said. "The good stuff is in short supply."

Felix nodded emphatically. "Get some motor grease or something. Soap. Anything else."

Tyrol looked back and forth between them, opened his mouth to say something, and then thought better of it. The hatch opened again, and Felix shivered with the draft.

"Seriously," he begged. "A blanket would really be great."

"Any luck?" Seelix asked.

"You guys are back fast," Tyrol observed.

"Yeah, well, I heard there was a naked – hey, you said it was a chick!" Hot Dog turned on Seelix, who shrugged.

"Got you here fast."

Hot Dog didn't seem particularly bothered by the deception. He also didn't seem particularly fazed by the fact that Felix was naked and chained to a bed. He stepped in and examined the lock, and then pulled out a thin wire and inserted it into the lock, fiddling with it.

And Felix noticed he actually smelled pretty good.

Hot Dog's hands brushed against his, and Felix ignored it. Louis stepped up beside Hot Dog, his hand casually on Felix's hip. "Try wiggling it a bit more," he suggested.

"You're in my light," Hot Dog muttered.

"Do you need something bigger?" Dee asked.

"No, it's plenty big enough," Hot Dog answered. His knuckle dragged across the inside of Felix's wrist. "It's just a matter of hitting that right spot."

"Doesn't sound too hard," Tyrol said, stepping back and crossing his arms.

"Oh, it's hard all right," Hot Dog said. His brows knit in concentration, and Felix looked away. "They make it look easy, but there's a trick to it. You can't just stick it in and pound away and hope for the best."

"So it's not so much the size of your pick, but what you do with it?"

"All right!" Felix shouted. "Enough with the sexual metaphors already, okay? Just get me out of these frakking handcuffs."

Hot Dog sighed and stepped back. "Sorry, man, but I can't."

"WHAT?"

"I can't. The spring's busted. It's not triggering."

"Godsdamnitfrakking-"

"Dee," Tyrol said, finally breaking down and shaking his head. "Go get Cally and ask her to bring my tool kit. And ask her to bring some motor grease, too."

"On my way."

***

By the time Cally arrived, seven more people were standing around, watching and offering advice.

"You could use bolt cutters," one of the deckhands suggested. "Snip the handcuffs."

"Don't have a set that is small enough to maneuver without getting his wrists," Tyrol sighed.

"Did you try smashing the lock?" Helo suggested.

"Already smashed," Louis said, _still_ not giving Felix a blanket. He was _so_ going to pay for this. "And besides, I'm not sure it wouldn't just make it worse."

"How about undoing the hinges? Here?" Seelix pointed.

"Wouldn't help," Tyrol said. He glanced over as the hatch opened yet again. "Cally. Finally."

Cally took one look at Felix and started giggling.

"You know," Felix sighed irritably, "I'm really starting to get a complex here. I know I'm not Apollo, but has one person walked into this room and _not_ burst into laughter at the sight of me naked?"

No one answered, but Tyrol was pulling out an assortment of screwdrivers. Naked and chained to the bed, Felix found that a lot more alarming than he normally would have considered it to be.

"Chief? What are you doing?"

"Relax, Gaeta," Tyrol said with an evil grin, "this won't hurt a bit."

Much to his relief, Tyrol applied the screwdrivers to the rack, and in a matter of moments the rod he was handcuffed to fell with a clatter. Felix moved his arms, groaning, and pulled a blanket up around his waist.

"I hate you all," he muttered.

***

Two hours later, his wrists were red and raw and still stinking of grease no matter how many times he'd washed them. Cottle had given him a knee brace for a strained tendon and a few painkillers. And Louis, the bastard, was still laughing about it all.

"Come on," he said, wrapping an arm around Felix's waist. "You have to admit it was funny."

"Hysterical," Felix agreed sarcastically. But he nestled against Louis's chest, enjoying the warm weight of his arm around him. "Next time, you can wear the handcuffs."

Louis kissed his cheek. "I'm sorry about that," he said softly. "I really am."

"I know." Felix turned so his back was tucked against Louis's front, and smiled. "And I am going to get you back."


End file.
